Jennifer's Blog

One of my favourite bands, BTS, just released a phenomenal new song entitled “Lights” and it could not have come at a better time. 

After ending up in the ER, again, I relied on listening to BTS as a distraction from the severe pain I was in. I couldn’t have gotten through that night without the support of my dojo family. They were by my side through the entire ordeal and that gave me the strength to pull through it. 

I’ll admit that it took me longer than usual to recover from it. But it was a valuable lesson which made us realize that we had to shift the focus of my training and avoid pushing myself too far. Now I have to learn how to adjust my life around my physical disabilities and limitations. It’s not easy and it can be extremely frustrating at times, especially when it catches me off guard. 

That’s exactly what happened, I never saw it coming. When my chronic spinal pain suddenly escalated from a pain scale of 8 to 12 within minutes, I shut down emotionally and physically. It’s days like that when it becomes unbearable and very difficult to manage. Even the ER doc was limited with what he could do in terms of bringing it under control due to the regulations of opioids. I kept asking for Demerol which is one of the few drugs that works and I’m not allergic to but he refused to administer it. After I was dismissed from the ER, I was still in a massive amount of pain and very groggy. I came very close to going back to the ER a few hours later. 

I’m a strong believer that everything happens for a reason and I know that this was a necessary experience for me and everyone involved. It made us realize the truth and extent of my chronic pain. 

When I read the lyrics for the song “Lights” I was blown away by how perfect their timing was. Their words touched my heart and soul. It was exactly what I needed right now. The song is such a great reflection of what I go through on a daily basis. It gives me hope. I love how they emphasized relying on others to shine a light in the darkness. They remind us that it’s okay to feel helpless and believe that things will change. There’s nothing wrong with being scared or feeling weak. It’s up to us to rise out of the darkness and learn to move forward without fear. Every moment has its own meaning and that’s what I believe in. 

These words in particular struck me:

“Angels who know pain, Flying with scars all over through the night” and “I'm breaking down but there's a light, Morning will come no matter how painful a night”. For me, that rings so true. 

Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eaUpme4jalE

English translation of the lyrics:

Sunday, can't reply to your calls or texts

Can't bring myself to start anything

I sometimes get sick of this

scared of what's going to happen 

But I feel like I can save someone

I hear your voice

Time stops in the midst of chaos

Connecting with you through sound woah

When I close my eyes

In the darkness your light woah

Because you light me up

We can walk unafraid you & I woah

You're my light, you're my light

Anytime

You shine into my heart

You're my light, you're my light

No matter

How far away you'll reach me

Angels who know pain

Flying with scars all over through the night

Every time I'm thinking about love

Every time I'm thinking about love

Don't want to hear just bright songs

Want to face my loneliness and color my reality

Losing then gaining, pursuing something every day

Believing it'll change like that

No one is perfect

Even this moment holds meaning

Connecting through sound woah

When I close my eyes

In the darkness my light woah

I'll light you up so

Let's walk unafraid you & I woah

I'm your light, I'm your light

Anytime

I shine into your heart

I'm your light I'm your light

No matter

How far away I'l reach you

A sleepless night

Never thought it would happen

But I guess it’s real

And again get stronger

exactly is love?

If there’s an answer here

I want to know now

I'm breaking down but there's a light

Morning will come no matter how painful a night

We can get over it even the future

We won't stop now

You yourself should decide the value of your happiness

And today again grow up

But there are times you show your weakness

You can stay true to yourself

Don't lie to yourself anymore

Everything connects through sound woah

When I close my eyes

In the darkness your light woah

Because you light me up

We can walk unafraid you & I woah

You're my light, you're my light

Anytime

You shine into my heart

You're my light, you're my light

No matter

How far away you'll reach me

How far away you'll reach me